In the era of hyperproductivity and self-optimization, phrases like “you can do it all,” “be your best self,” or “never settle” constantly bombard us from social media, academic settings, and workplaces. While they may seem motivational, they also fuel an increasingly common phenomenon: excessive self-demand and pathological perfectionism. Rather than promoting well-being, these attitudes can become a serious emotional obstacle.
What is self-demand and why can it be a problem?
Self-demand refers to the tendency to set very high, often unattainable goals, and to evaluate oneself using extremely rigid standards. Highly self-demanding individuals often have a critical inner voice that constantly downplays achievements, magnifies mistakes, and views rest as a sign of weakness or mediocrity.
Although having high standards can lead to significant accomplishments, the problem arises when these expectations are not accompanied by self-compassion, flexibility, and emotional regulation. In such cases, self-demand becomes a psychological trap: the more a person strives, the less satisfied they feel.
According to Piqueras Rodríguez (2019), excessive self-demand is linked to increased psychological distress, lower self-esteem, and greater vulnerability to disorders such as anxiety and depression.
Perfectionism: the false ally
Closely linked to self-demand is perfectionism. Although it is often socially associated with positive traits like order, commitment, and excellence, psychology clearly distinguishes between two types:
Adaptive perfectionism: involves setting high goals and enjoying the improvement process without falling into destructive self-criticism.
Maladaptive perfectionism: is driven by fear of failure, intolerance of mistakes, and a constant need for external approval.
The problem arises when maladaptive perfectionism takes over. Frost et al. (1990) developed one of the most influential scales for measuring perfectionism and demonstrated that individuals with high levels of perfectionism based on fear of mistakes tend to have a higher risk of emotional disorders.
Smith et al. (2016) conducted a meta-analysis in healthcare professionals and found a strong correlation between maladaptive perfectionism and burnout. These individuals not only suffered from high levels of emotional exhaustion but also persistent feelings of inadequacy, even when their performance was outstanding.
The emotional cost of wanting everything to be perfect
Self-demand and maladaptive perfectionism often manifest in everyday behaviors:
- Re-reading the same email multiple times before sending it.
- Procrastinating projects out of fear they won’t turn out “perfect.”
- Feeling guilty for resting or saying “no.”
- Inability to acknowledge personal achievements without immediately focusing on “what’s missing.”
These behaviors are driven by an internal dialogue marked by judgment, constant comparison, and insecurity. Over time, this leads to deep emotional exhaustion that can result in anhedonia or even obsessive-compulsive disorders related to productivity.
Emotional regulation: the necessary antidote
In this context, emotional regulation becomes a key tool. Regulating emotions does not mean repressing them, but rather recognizing, understanding, and managing them in a healthy way. It involves knowing when to stop, identifying when an emotion (like guilt for not performing as much as we think we should) is affecting our well-being, and acting consciously to avoid being swept away by it.
Gross (2015), in his model of emotional regulation, distinguishes between adaptive strategies (such as cognitive reappraisal or emotional acceptance) and maladaptive ones (such as suppression or avoidance). People who use adaptive strategies tend to experience greater well-being, greater resilience, and a lower risk of psychological problems.
An example is cognitive reappraisal: when facing a mistake, instead of interpreting it as a threat to self-esteem (“I’m a failure”), it can be reframed as a learning opportunity (“this helps me improve for next time”).
Keys to managing self-demand and cultivating balance
Below are some concrete steps to develop a healthier relationship with yourself:
Question your standards: Are your goals realistic or unattainable? Who set that ideal of perfection?
Practice self-compassion: Kristin Neff (2003) has shown that being kind to oneself doesn’t weaken—it strengthens. Self-compassionate people are more persistent, emotionally healthier, and more resilient in the face of adversity.
Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small: Don’t downplay your progress. Acknowledging what you do well boosts self-esteem and reinforces well-being.
Allow yourself to make mistakes: Getting things wrong is inevitable. Learning to tolerate imperfection is a sign of emotional maturity.
Set boundaries and honor your needs: Resting is not a luxury—it’s a biological need. Not everything has to become a self-improvement project.
Seek professional support if needed: These patterns are often deeply ingrained. Therapy can help dismantle rigid beliefs and develop healthier emotional resources.
In a world that rewards hyper-demand and perfectionism, allowing yourself to be human is a revolutionary act.
This means recognizing that not everything will go perfectly, that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that personal worth is not measured by productivity or success. Learning to regulate our emotions, treat ourselves kindly, and establish healthy boundaries is not a weakness—it’s the foundation of psychological balance and a more fulfilling life.
References
Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., & Rosenblate, R. (1990). The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14(5), 449–468. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01172967
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027
Piqueras Rodríguez, J. A. (2019). Perfeccionismo, autoexigencia y bienestar emocional. Revista de Psicología Clínica con Niños y Adolescentes, 6(1), 55–62.
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Chen, S., Saklofske, D. H., & Flett, G. L. (2016). Perfectionism and burnout in health professionals: A meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 95, 54–60. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.073 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.073
Self-demand and perfectionism: When self-improvement becomes an emotional burden